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Intro Part 3

In this final intro, I’m going to lay out an idea of the path forward.  Hopefully by now I’ve provided a rough foundation on which to construct these illustrations.  It’s not possible to provide a total accounting of every element of attachment theory, emotions, conflict, or communication.  That would be way too long, and probably boring as hell.  I’m hoping to give you just enough of an idea so the illustrations I’ll lay out make sense. This will enable you to implement them in your own life.  However, emotions and communication are incredibly difficult to master. If you feel like you need more direct help, reach out to me for actual couples therapy here.

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Intro Part 2

Now that we have a basic framework for attachment, let’s talk about what makes it operate: emotions.  One of the primary functions of emotions is to alert us that we are no longer at peace with our environment.  It is also the environment itself (our parents, grandparents, society, etc.) that shapes both our experience of our emotions and our attachment system.  It is our environment that teaches us when our attachment system should activate, and what strategies the attachment system should employ.

Let’s imagine we’re back to being that little baby, crying out for our parents.  We can now insert emotions into the attachment system.  When you’re hungry, it feels bad.  That’s an emotion.  And it means I should cry and I’ll eat.  The crying, followed by the eating is the attachment system at work.  When you’re tired, that feels bad in a different way, and again you cry out, and your parents put you to sleep.  Slowly but surely, we learn what actions lead to the desired outcome.  More importantly, we learn to respond to the information our emotions are providing, we interpret those emotions, and the attachment system goes to work.

Continue reading “Couples Communication: An Illustrated Manual”

Intro Part 1

This is the first in a series of posts I’ve decided to call Couples Communication: An Illustrated Manual.  A series of blog posts can’t fix your relationship, which is why I offer couples therapy.  However, after ten years of this work, I’ve identified a number of skills that can improve communication in order to harness conflict to achieve closeness. And because it’s more fun, I’ll be presenting those skills with some handy illustrations.

But before I get to the actual illustrations, we need to lay some groundwork.  These skills only work if we approach relationships, and communication within them, from a particular perspective.  You will have conflict in your relationship. It is unavoidable. But there is a fork in the road, a point at which we have to decide: will we follow the negative path of discord, or the positive path of connection?  Let’s get to it.

Continue reading “Couples Communication: An Illustrated Manual”