One of the more interesting discoveries I’ve made as a couples therapist is I became much better at providing individual counseling for men. It might seem strange, but truth be told, I don’t think there are individual problems. Problems seem only to arise in the context of struggling relationships. And for most men, that’s usually a feeling that they aren’t good enough for their partner. Maybe that’s how you feel. Maybe you came to this realization on your own, or, more likely, you’ve been told what you’re doing isn’t good enough and you should seek counseling.
Moreover, you probably don’t want to do therapy. In my experience, most men don’t want to do therapy. It’s not fun. It’s not easy. I will make you feel things you don’t want to feel, like sadness and fear. We’ll talk about your childhood, which you won’t enjoy. It’s basically all negative.
Why do individual counseling?
One simple reason: I can help you. This process can help you. You are not broken, even though it feels that way sometimes. But there likely is room for improvement in how you express your distress. I’ve observed that men have two primary ways to do so: anger and withdrawal. Both are rooted in feeling helpless. You are supposed to be emotionally available, articulate, strong, capable, nurturing, caring, patient, vulnerable, and provide for your family. In short, be better than your best self. The problem is, no one taught you how to do all that.
Anger is a way of protecting yourself. It just doesn’t work as intended.
It’s not too hard to see where the anger comes from. People expect a lot from you, particularly your partner. Look again at the list above. No one taught you how to do it all, and falling short, as we all do, leads to criticism. Your anger is your way of saying “I’m doing the best I can! Can’t you see that and cut me some slack?” Unfortunately, what usually happens is your partner just sees you angry, maybe yelling, and most likely getting defensive. It’s a way to try to protect yourself, but it comes out like an attack.
Alternatively, maybe you’re the type that withdraws. This comes from the same place. You’ve done all you can, and once again comes the criticism that it wasn’t enough. But since you don’t have the tools to respond, it feels much safer to simply say “I’m sorry” and withdraw. Better to say nothing than open your mouth and make it worse. Unfortunately, your partner just sees someone disinterested and disengaged, and becomes more distressed and, often, upset. You once again get the message you’re not enough, say sorry and withdraw, and the cycle starts over. The world’s worst merry-go-round.
This is why I provide counseling for men.
I too, am a man, which means I, too, get angry. And sometimes I even withdraw. I have extensive training in the techniques, and that’s certainly helpful. But it has been far more helpful to apply those techniques to my own experience. I’ve worked hard to figure out how and why I get angry, or shut down, or withdraw. And I’ve worked hard to figure out how to do things differently. You can too.
As I said at the top, it’s not easy. And I can’t guarantee that I can fix you. But I’ve been doing this for awhile, and I’ve learned quite a lot along the way. Reach out to me today and let’s start this journey.